 |
| this basically reflects my life right now |
I would like to begin by stating that this is in no way and attention seeking post and if you simply don't care, I'm telling you now - don't read on, this might get whiny and annoying; it is my blog; I want to relieve some stress.
I am known to a lot of people for being a perfectionist, I like to achieve the best. However, what some people don't realise that some times, this isn't always my choice. I had to grow up quickly, it had always been my Mom looking after my brother and I, Dad would be away on business trips and because of one outbreak of SARS, the rare occasions when he'd be home became once every few years; I don't even know the man. I have been taught and adapted to look after myself and depend on no one but myself, I would owe it not only to myself, but my Mom, if I did not achieve the best in these exams.
My Mom is honestly the greatest woman I know. She gave up virtually everything for my brother and I and I would like to think that she didn't do it in vain, but repaying her back with the glimpse of hope that she deserves. In the future, I aim to support her when she cannot whether it be financially, physically or emotionally. Some people may not understand the importance of these grades to me - after all it is merely a few letters on a piece of paper - in a way, this is my way of thanking my Mom, for giving up so much to support me with my life: her marriage, her social life, her friends, her family and pretty much everything she knew. The most joyous scenario that I can picture is opening that envelope this Summer and actually crying with happiness because it is everything that I had hoped; I perfectly understand that some people may think that I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion, but to me - it is everything right now.
I want to do it for myself. I want to prove to myself that my teachers weren't wrong in predicting me these idyllic grades. I want to prove to everyone who said that I couldn't do it, that I can. At the end of the day, what I am required is not anything spectacular, 5A*/A & B in Maths and English Language, but I want better than that, I want to be able to compete with all the other intellects in the future, I don't want to be treading water, getting absolutely nowhere. I guess it is also a matter of self-satisfaction, the pleasure in gaining the top grades, to boost my confidence for A Levels, so that I know that I am capable.
Pressure. All 15-18 year olds are under constant pressure nowadays. And pressure has taken a negative impact on me. Anxiety for two years, tense muscles for god knows how long, seeing my health deteriorate, seeing my weight decrease weekly, hating what I see in the mirror as it is practically sticks and bones. The events of the past few years has shaped me into a mature yet damaged person, no one ever sees the crying, hurt, infuriated and emotional side of me, I guess I could say that I hate him, for everything that he has done, because of his pathetic and inconsiderate actions. I can see so many people's faces getting annoyed with me if I greet them with an emotionless, drained, sad face, they must all be thinking that I am just a boring person who only work and don't know how to have fun, but it's not like that? Why do people think it's okay to judge someone without knowing the full story? In a sense, people are afraid- afraid to know, afraid to listen, afraid to understand what causes someone to be as depressed as they are. But that's all it takes, a few minutes, to hear them out and maybe after that, they won't judge, they will understand.
What I simply don't understand, however, is how people simply don't give a shit. How can someone be satisfied with a C? Why can't people be more ambitious and allow themselves to aim higher although the face the risk of failure? The thing that really aggravates me is how people come out with an awful grade in one exam, yet they still do not have the sense to sort themselves out and prepare for future ones. I guess what I am trying to get at is the fact that people should learn to look for the future, as I can guarantee so many people that they will look back and wished the focused and prepared more for these "pathetic" exams. Don't get me wrong, I do not agree with the exams, but if that is how the government is going to play it, then I guess we must all play that game too.
Inconsideration. Why are some people so inconsiderate enough to not allow people to be nervous for an exam? "It's only an exam", they say, if you don't care, why can't you accept that other people too and that they may actually be nervous, anxious and afraid? A carefree attitude is stupid and definitely in no way makes you "cool". It makes you an idiot. An ignorant.
I would love to carry this rant on as I have so much more to say, but seeing as it is 11:17PM, I really should be heading to bed due to the Of Mice and Men and The Crucible exam tomorrow morning. Good luck to anyone and everyone who may also be in that exam (unless you haven't revised, then you can suffer in silence)!
Love, Nicole
